Where to start?
I feel like I am starting over. I feel like a different person.
Loss has a way of changing you permanently. I don’t feel like this is negative, just still so unfamiliar.
In the past I was inclined to post frequently about political issues, but I am so burned out on all that right now. Everything feels pointless, especially political grandstanding (and it is ALL theatre), and pop culture.
They have become intolerable to bear.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been through an incredibly traumatic few years, and I really want to concentrate on creative ideas and expressions, rather than get angry over shit I can’t change or do anything about.
I guess I’m in a nesting mode.
Spending time with my partner, friends and family, cooking, eating, slowing down and appreciating how lucky I am to have wonderful supportive people in my life.
On the artwork side—
I have thousands of photographs to sort through, process and edit, tons of writing to do and books to read. and very soon a class to teach.
I’m working on several photographic series too, which I will post working versions of images occasionally.
I’ll start with this portrait of my Mother:
Mama, in her room, November 2010.
This was made three weeks before she died.
It breaks my heart every time I see it.
It was a spontaneous shot.
She normally wouldn’t let me photograph her unless she made herself up, but I think she knew at that point time was short and when I asked this time she said okay.
I knew I couldn’t hesitate. The cancer made her mood unpredictable. One minaret she could be fine and the next in a fury or in incredible pain.
I had borrowed a good digital camera so I grabbed that. Unfortunately the battery died while trying to make there first shot. I was so frustrated.
Their wasn’t enough light to shoot film, so all I had was a cheap point and shoot camera. I paused, almost defeated, but took a deep breath and pressed forward with what I had.
Technically, this shot is compromised. It suffers from a low light source environment, too much image compression— typical with jpg format and the limits of a point and shoot level chip. (11 MPX with a panasonic lumix)
Viewed purely as an image, on an emotional level, I think it does capture something and I am thankful that I have anything from this very delicate and difficult time.
She could be a holy terror, but I miss her so very, very, much…